Probably going on hiatus.

If anyone out there has even ever read this blog, I wanted to let you know that I haven't posted anything in a while just because there has been little to post other than the ongoing struggle for money. My studies leave me no time just to relax, let alone time for a job. I'm still putting in my semi-monthly shift at the racetrack but that's all. If I happen to find an entertaining way to earn money, I'll report it here. For now, feel free to follow me over to LiveJournal, where you can find me at Surf Arizona. I've maintained my LiveJournal in various incarnations since about 2001 or 2002. I might change the name, I don't know; I just feel lately like I'm stuck on Rosacoke Street more than enjoying living in the desert. The URL is http://beth60.livejournal.com. However, please do continue to spend your money at the links you see on the right side of your screen. They're still valid and I still maintain them! Thanks!

Finally, I'm a real starving college student!

So at last I've been to my first day of classes at the U and I also filed my final unemployment claim, the one in which I answered "yes" to the question at the end about whether or not I need to continue filing because I've found full-time work. Now I'm just busy worrying about stretching out my loan money for the next few months and getting scholarship applications submitted on time. The tone of this blog can finally be a positive one, or least one that's not endlessly depressing and hopeless. The cost of books and supplies is kicking my butt, of course, and I already dropped over $289 for just the first round of books before getting the last math book, my biology book, or my chemistry book. Thankfully, my bio teacher, "Dr. Ted", is very laid back and feels that "textbooks basically suck", so he advised the class to seek out the text for as cheaply as possible on the internet and not worry about having the latest version, the second edition is fine. So I just bought mine at Amazon for less than $30, including expedited shipping. Now to just meet my doom at the bookstore tomorrow for the other books. I also will need to very soon start cooking suppers ahead of time or bringing healthful convenience food (such as my favorite vegan minestrone soups and such) so that I don't repeat what I did today and cough up nine and a half bucks for a salad and a water at the health-food cafe in the student union. Anyway, I hope that this blog doesn't fall to the wayside, since college is a lean time for most people. I'll try to check in again before long.

Trying to learn to weather rejection like a telemarketer.

I've had two interviews in a week and was rejected from both jobs. I can't help but take it personally. I did apply for another school job with the University's Herbarium but the opening doesn't close until September 1, so should I watch and wait or just apply to the sudden seemingly plentiful part-time jobs around town? Well, that was probably a foolish question, of course I should apply for the other jobs, I just hate to accept a food service job only to have the Herbarium offer me a position. At the rate that I'm going, it would seem that I could expect a prompt rejection, but you never know, and I can't see what could possibly disqualify me from that one anyway, especially after the cover letter that I wrote, which should explain anything on my resume that could be problematic. I suppose I should file some applications and then go to the campus job fair on the 26th. I also really need to step up the scholarship applications. It seems that scholarships have even steeper odds, but if no employer will have me because I'm overqualified in the wrong areas or I'm too old, or whatever the f*** they have a problem with, it would be nice to think that I still have a chance to plead my case for free money awarded solely because I'm broke, in debt, and a college student.

Anyway, it's looking more and more difficult to change my undesirable class schedule, but if I still don't have a friggin' job after school starts, I'll try harder to change it and if anyone wants to hire me after that, so be it. I am so tired of this economy.

Almost over the hump, I think and I hope.

I've been feeling better since I received a call this week from Native Seeds/SEARCH asking me to come in for an interview for their part-time retail storefront job. I had the interview yesterday and spent a long time preparing for it, but I think I prepared in the wrong way. When I actually went in, I was faced with a panel, and I've had bigger panels interview me in the past, but it's been a while and I was a tad nervous. Not in any really physical or paralyzing way, but I think it caused me to talk way too much. I wasn't really prepared to answer their scripted questions either, though I think I successfully ad-libbed it. I was also perhaps too honest about my shortcomings (lack of certain experience, plus one example of a negative customer interaction I once had). I also had been hoping for time to discuss how well I'd fit into their mission of the conservation of both natural and cultural resources, but this may have only been afforded by a one-on-one interview. Oh, well, it would be such a great job to have but either way it's re-lit the fire under my arse. I did finally call my parents and for the most part, they behaved, and it was in the course of that conversation that I had a eureka moment. As much as I've claimed to not want to have to work with people in my next career, our conversation made me realize how much I enjoy educating people about land and natural resources, so I think I'll try to run with that and orient my curriculum towards interpretation, education, and basically learning to be a park ranger or something similar. This also provides a handy-dandy justification for joining 4H and taking AgEd classes. To top it off, there's a new course being offered by the Ecology department that is all about ecology education, and if I don't get the job, I'll see if I can petition to enroll in the class, as long as I can shift my schedule around to accommodate it.

Meanwhile, I still need work, badly. I haven't worked at my contract office job at all this week and the funding is drying up for it, so I'll be gone from there very soon anyway. The only August race at the racetrack is on the 22nd, so I'm really lacking in gigs. A local coffeeshop chain and Bruegger's Bagels are hiring, so tomorrow I'll pick up applications from them. Lastly, if nothing earth-shattering and life-altering makes itself available, in terms of jobs, then I'll proceed with school and go to the student job fair taking place on the third day of school. There's been no word from the Girl Scouts, to whom I turned in my resume rather late, and I have my doubts about this nifty desk assistant job at the University's Think Tank, which is a tutoring facility of sorts. There are great volunteer opportunities out there to gain experience for paid work in the field I want to get into, but I feel that I have to ignore it in favor of the much more immediate need for paid work. At any rate, though, I do feel better than I have been feeling, and by feeling reinvigorated about school and my career direction, I think I can once again see the Arizona Dream in the distance.

Plugging away.

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I've been so depressed, but I don't want to drift too far away from blogging, so here I am. Today I actually woke up feeling more hopeful about things, though I couldn't help but think of the song "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" and its line: "Now how many days in a year, she woke up with hope but she only found tears?" Still, things are progressing. Unless a miracle comes along before Friday evening, Carl and I are moving in with his parents, a typical unemployment/recession story. Their house is paid off and they're so old that they'd prefer to have us close by so we can run their errands and manage the household, so living with the "in-laws" really shouldn't be so bad. At worst, they might be annoying with their octo- and nonogenerian quirks that really only stem from the need to survive each day. We'd help fix up the house bit by bit and have more space to work with, plus the freedoms that come with home ownership: freedom to plant a garden, put a shed in the yard, etc. Lastly, I'd save hundreds of dollars each month that could be put towards rebuilding my savings, paying off my credit card, or pre-paying my student loans. I really can't see any serious disadvantages to it. Even though it bothers me to consider moving to a neighborhood that's neither aesthetically pleasing nor convenient to school, it's a roof over my head that would only cost me my share of utility and grocery bills.

Other developments include a phone call with the 4-H contact at the U, which enabled me to get on an email list for updates on the up-and-coming Collegiate 4-H chapter at the school. This is important because if I found out that there was no University chapter, I was going to start one, never mind the fact that I've never been an aggie before. But it looks like I won't have to take that role, so I'm pleased. I chatted online with my good friend Jessi, who has done the aggie thing and has also helped with another organization of which we're both alumnae: the Girl Scouts. I've also been intensely interested in revisiting them in some way as well, so after our conversation, I checked in with the local council's website and actually found a job opening there. It would be a great fit, pay well, and provide benefits, and of course it's with an organization that I hold dear, so as much as I hate to mess up school plans, I'm going to apply and hopefully they won't remember the time they tried so hard to recruit me and I turned them down because the schedule wouldn't allow me to get a second job.

What else ...I haven't talked with my parents in almost a month because of how upset they made me when I visited them, so I think unless they call me, I'll wait to call them until next week at the earliest because by then I'll know for sure whether or not I'm moving into Carl's parents' house. They'll have a fit about that, but I'd rather drop the bomb from a position of strength (plans set in stone). The outrageous things that they accused him of with regard to my unemployment and constant state of poverty effectively traumatized me and there's no telling what they might try to do to our relationship (already tried to break us up a couple of times). At that time, they were on this cult kick and staged something of an intervention on the last day of my visit, accusing Carl of being a cult leader with a Messiah complex who's just manipulating me, when in fact they are the ones doing the manipulating by saying that they wish they could send me some money to help me out--if only I wasn't with Carl. For the record, I have not asked them for any financial assistance at all throughout this ordeal and I have been just fine with that because at almost thirty years old, I understand and appreciate that it's high time for me to find ways to stand on my own. Carl and I were badly weakened for a couple of days there, but now we're strong again and are determined to make things work as a team. If that means operating out of a shed in his parents' backyard, so be it. I'm not leaving the West and see little point in endlessly deferring my chance to redo my education to emerge as a scientist (Girl Scout job notwithstanding).

Well, it's been a lengthy post and I should get back to my scholarship search, so I'll be back sometime over the weekend or afterwards to report whether or not we are definitely moving "home", as well as the result of my application to the Girl Scouts. Here's hoping that the depression is finally lifting.

The Despair of Poverty

Almost six months into my unemployment, I am feeling increasingly weighed down by depression and despair. I almost constantly have the urge to howl loudly and primally because the feeling is too dull to want to shed tears but too heavy to ignore it any longer. Last week I finally had to pick up my first box of food from a neighborhood food pantry. It feels so wrong when other people there were being handed towels and soap to use the shower inside the church, but I need all of the little bits of assistance I can get, and since I make too much money ($240 a week!) from unemployment, I can't qualify for food stamps. I've been in a terrible slump for the last week since I was turned down for that copywriting job at the University. It turned out to be a much niftier job than I'd originally thought and as many as thirty hours were available. I could do the job from home and I'd be working for the Park Service, the US Geological Survey, and the U of A. It would have been almost perfect. After that I couldn't find any other jobs worth applying for and now have a big blank spot in my job search log. Some other things have finally come along this week, though, so I hope to make up for it before I leave town for a few days starting tomorrow. Of course, a major development that came along a couple of days ago is a team position that Carl and I applied for at the beginning of the month. We've applied for self-storage onsite management jobs before, so we did so again when another opportunity came along. Then two days ago, we got a call from the person doing the hiring and yesterday, we found ourselves driving up to Casa Grande to meet him for a lunch appointment. The appointment was almost a bust because of a major communication breakdown in which I guess he expected us to show up at the restaurant and just know exactly who he was out of the entire dining room. We were quite angry when we thought we'd been stood up and as we were about to leave town, he called my phone and finally decided to check on us. We ended up having our interview over an hour after we'd originally scheduled it, but I'd like to think it went well in spite of things. I have no idea, really. Our being out of town is a problem for their hiring needs, so I don't feel good about them wanting to hire us. If they did, though, we would be starting a huge life change. The facility is in Apache Junction, in the furthest eastern reaches of the Valley, so far out there it's not even in Maricopa County even though it's part of the Phoenix blob. We'd be given a house, free utilities, a salary/stipend, and commission. It would be like running our own business without actually being the owners and we'd still answer to a general manager and the owners. The benefits, both financial and in terms of strengthening our relationship, would be so great. It would really fit into our plans for various things we want to accomplish as a couple. The drawbacks, though, would be living in a smallish desert town of a lot of retirees (and all of the ways in which it would not be Tucson) and I would have to again defer my full-time education. All would not be lost on the educational front, though, because Central Arizona College, the junior college for Pinal County, has a campus in Apache Junction where I'd probably be able to at least complete the basic math, chemistry, and biology courses needed for a BS in Rangeland Management. The courses would translate directly to those that I'd pay hundreds of dollars more for at the U. I don't know what else I could do from there, though, as any natural resource and agriculture courses available at CAC are held in classrooms at their science/ag campus in Coolidge, which is impossibly far away. Anyway, the storage people want to talk to us today (can't remember who's calling whom) to decide one way or the other, so Carl and I have agreed that we'll take the plunge and say that we are very interested and just hope that they are flexible enough to let us finish out our trip to Utah and then hit the ground running. We'll see. Meanwhile my UI had better show up in my bank account or I'm screwed to no end.

The rains have come: another change of seasons and I am still unemployed.

Truly scary. While I was on vacation, the seasons changed on me and I came home to lower temperatures and higher humidity, loud cicadas and rain squalls. Over five months later I am still unemployed and I don't know if my benefits are going to be able to be stretched any longer. It's almost terrifying. I have an appointment with a staffer at the School of Natural Resources on Tuesday to discuss a job opening entailing writing website copy and uploading .xml files, and that's only ten to fifteen hours a week and probably minimally-paying, but it would be something and it would work around classes. It would also be a resume builder. Carl and I experienced a jarring conflict that made us realize that if we are truly committed to each other, then our very relationship depends upon his contributions to the job search. So we're enacting a plan to run our household like a business office, which is actually something we've tacitly wanted to do for a while but never thought to mention it out loud to each other. We have a new filing system for important papers, we're instituting some kind of a job board (for now, a job clothesline), complete with job tickets for tasks to be completed, and we're going to get up early and really compartmentalize our day. At the same time, we'll make more effort towards getting all that we can out of our one income source, paid petitioning for a nonprofit, and I'll see how long I can extend my UI. We also applied jointly to another storage facility onsite management team position. On August 1, we'll evaluate our plan and see if it's increasing productivity and progress, and we'll accordingly amend it or scrap it. If we scrap it, we may have to move into separate living spaces and hope that our relationship survives it. Kind of makes me lose some faith in that song I love so much, "Love Will Keep Us Alive". Money is essential to survival too. Sigh.